1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,200
This programme contains very strong
language.

2
00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:32,040
It's been a long journey, Joseph,
how much further..?

3
00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:33,960
A little way yet, my sweet.

4
00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:39,800
Perhaps we could stop a while
and rest,

5
00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,840
the baby is heavy
and making me sleepy.

6
00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:44,640
Of course, my dear...

7
00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:46,640
We'll soon find shelter.

8
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:04,640
Sorry to trouble you, dear sir,

9
00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:06,960
but my wife's pregnant
and needs to rest a while,

10
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,360
I was wondering if you might be able
to offer us some respite

11
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:10,760
from our long journey...

12
00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:14,520
What the fuck do you think I am,
Airbnb?

13
00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:18,080
You wanna rest, there's a fucking
Travelodge three miles away.

14
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:21,000
And why's she on that donkey?

15
00:01:21,030 --> 00:01:23,600
They don't like being sat on.

16
00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:27,000
So, take your sob story
and FUCK OFF.

17
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:33,120
Jesus Christ, what a rude man.

18
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:37,640


19
00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:40,470

to the birds and bees

20
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:44,000

(that's what I want)

21
00:01:44,030 --> 00:01:47,520

(that's what I want)

22
00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:48,680
(WHIRRING)

23
00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:52,470
Argh...Right then,
we are almost done and dusted...

24
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:54,920
Are you done?
I'm done.

25
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:57,960
Thank fuck for that.Unless you want
a little reindeer on your arse.

26
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,640
Why the fuck would I want
a reindeer on my arse.

27
00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:02,080
Bit of Christmas fun, innit?

28
00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:04,800
But it's only gonna be funny
for Christmas fucking Day, innit?

29
00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:07,960
Then I'm just stuck with a reindeer
on my shitbox for the rest of time.

30
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,750
Well, you wouldn't see it,
would you?

31
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:12,000
Unless you spend a lot of time
looking at your own arse.

32
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:13,320
I do, I often check it out.

33
00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:17,120
And the last thing I wanna see
on that gorgeous riggot of mine

34
00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:18,640
is a deer.

35
00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:20,600
I still need paying, though.

36
00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,280
You fucking piece of work.

37
00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:24,440
Here, Merry Christmas.
Love you, mate.

38
00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:31,280
(MOBILE RINGS)

39
00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:34,480
Hey, Vinnie.
Here he is.

40
00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:37,120
Yes, fat head.
What the fuck are you wearing, man?

41
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:38,920
I'm in Acapulco.

42
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:41,200
With a lady. Say hello.

43
00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:42,240
Hi.

44
00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:46,800
Listen, my surgery's being covered
by Maureen Maguire.

45
00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:49,320
No dude,
not fucking Mogadon Maureen.

46
00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:52,800
She's an excellent GP, she's just
got an unfortunate resting face.

47
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,640
Listen, I've got a favour
to ask you.

48
00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,600
Course you fucking do.
You know...

49
00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,960
You're going loco
in Aca-shagging-pulco

50
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:01,160
and you still want summat doing.
What d'you want?

51
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:04,840
It's my Auntie Edie,
she's had a fall,
she's broken her arm.

52
00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:08,360
Oh...If I was there
I'd pop in and help but...

53
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:10,600
Please, if you can,
would you mind, please.

54
00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:13,640
After all I've done for you.
What have you ever done for me?

55
00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:15,400
Like...

56
00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:19,070
Just nothing there, is there?
No.

57
00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:22,400
Come on, what the fuck do you
want me to do with auntie... Edith?

58
00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,960
If you could pop in,
see how she is, that's all.

59
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,920
I'll text you her address.
Please, I'd be really grateful.

60
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:30,200
Just remember every time
a church bell rings,

61
00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:31,880
a little angel gets its wings.

62
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:35,480
That's just not true, is it?
Tis' true, course it is. Love you.

63
00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:36,520
He's gone.

64
00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:39,800
(DOORBELL RINGS)

65
00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:42,520
EDIE: Wait a minute!
No worries.

66
00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:44,600
(LOCKS TURN)

67
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:46,480
(THUD)
Fucking hell...

68
00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:48,280
Yes?
Edie?

69
00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:49,560
Yes.

70
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:53,440
Vincent. Your Chris has asked me to
come and just check you're alright.

71
00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:55,880
Check I'm alright?
You've had a bad fall, haven't you?

72
00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:58,840
I'm fine,
tell him to mind his own business.

73
00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:01,880
What did you say your name was?
Vinnie. Vi-Vincent.

74
00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:05,400
No, you don't look a Vincent.
You look like a Gregory.

75
00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:07,560
What's happened to your neck?
Nothing's happ...

76
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,920
Nothing's happened to it.
There's not been an incident.

77
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:11,880
It's a tattoo.
I've been and had that done.

78
00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:13,360
Well, it's very unpleasant.

79
00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:17,320
What say you just take
that chain off for a minute

80
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:19,950
and we'll ring Chris,
reassure him that you're alright,

81
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,720
and then if you want me to go away,
I will.

82
00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:24,000
You could be anyone,
you could be a murderer.

83
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,920
I know, but I mean,
do I really look like a murderer?

84
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:30,200
Yes, with that tattoo.
Fucks sake...

85
00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:32,240
OK... Fuck...

86
00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:38,600
I think you should call yourself
Gregory.

87
00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:40,440
Like Gregory Peck.

88
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:43,280
Gregory Peck.

89
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:44,920
Who's that?

90
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,960
It's a nice house.

91
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,920
Should be, I've been here 38 years.

92
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:52,720
Was the tree here
when you moved in, or what?

93
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:54,440
I hate Christmas.

94
00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:57,150
Yeah, so do I, it fucking sucks,
doesn't it?

95
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:01,000
So come on, what's happened?
Have you had a fall?

96
00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:03,880
That was the arm.
The foot was a different event.

97
00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:06,440
Why, what happened?
Supermarket.

98
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:09,280
Since when do doors slam shut
on their own.(THUD)

99
00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:10,520
Ah...

100
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:13,640
Yeah, I've left the bath running.

101
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,360
Let me do that.
No, no, no...

102
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,240
That's why I'm here.
Let me do that for you.

103
00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:19,600
You want to go up into my bathroom?
A complete stranger,

104
00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,960
what if I have private things
I don't want you seeing.

105
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:24,080
Well, I'll definitely rifle
through 'em!

106
00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,280
Cos that's what this is all about.
I wanna go through

107
00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:28,960
your cupboards
and see your old ointments.

108
00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:32,400
I mean, shit, do you have
anything precious in there?

109
00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:33,440
Nah.

110
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:38,800
Maybe I could just go and...
Yes, could you?

111
00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:42,150
Cos I don't want to struggle
back up those stairs
after you've dragged me down.

112
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:45,000
Hell, no.
This is too low, isn't it?

113
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:47,360
You don't have one of those
furry bog roll covers,

114
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,640
like knitted woollen Russian doll
type deal.

115
00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:52,280
I am gonna hit the shagging roof.

116
00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:55,080
Oh, fuck me!
Fucking thousand degrees!

117
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:56,680
Fucking hell!

118
00:05:58,360 --> 00:05:59,840
Pfff....

119
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:01,200
(MOBILE RINGS)

120
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,240
Fucking pockets, shit.

121
00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:08,680
Hey Vinnie.
How is she?

122
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:10,720
Well, I've gotta be honest
with you, mate.

123
00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:12,400
She's not fucking great, actually.

124
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:15,400
There's some bloody steep stairs
in this house, you know?

125
00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:18,080
I know.
Those are the ones she fell down.

126
00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:21,120
If something happens
during Christmas

127
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:22,960
and no-one's around to help her,

128
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,080
I mean, I'd feel fucking terrible,
man.

129
00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:27,640
Alright, alright,
don't paint me as the bad guy...

130
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,480
Alright then, you've made it
my fucking problem.

131
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,640
What d'you want me to do
with her, dude?

132
00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:35,680
You couldn't put her up
in your house, could you?
Just for a few days?

133
00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:38,440
I live in a shack
in the freezing woods,

134
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,320
you dickhead. It's Christmas time.
It's too cold for that.

135
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:43,520
Alright, OK, yeah, good point.

136
00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:45,560
Look, er... OK, better idea.

137
00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:49,360
Mm-hmm...

138
00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:56,280
I'm not a child.
CHRIS: Edie, don't hang up...

139
00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:00,960
So, what do you think?

140
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:04,160
I don't need babysitting.
I might be old and useless...

141
00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:05,960
But I wouldn't look at it
like that.

142
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,360
You've gotta look at it more
along the lines of...

143
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:10,640
Old lady sitting?
That, yes!

144
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:13,880
Old lady sitting. (LAUGHS)
Come on...

145
00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:17,720
I mean, fucking hell. It's a bit of
company during this festive period.

146
00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:21,280
You hate Christmas.
I hate Christmas.

147
00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:24,160
And I can keep you company.
Look at it like that.

148
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:27,160
I can get a bit of fucking company,
for Christ's sake.

149
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:29,280
(VAPE CRACKLES)
(SIGHS)

150
00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:34,560
Mm...
You don't smoke indoors.

151
00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,720
You don't come into my bedroom.
Mm...

152
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:39,400
You don't play loud music.

153
00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:41,320
You don't bring tuna into the house,

154
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,520
and whatever you do,
don't ever - EVER...

155
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:48,600
..go up into my loft space.

156
00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:51,840
Intense.
It feels like a very intense rule.

157
00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:55,840
I've never met anyone that's quite
so serious about their loft space.

158
00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:58,040
Well, you have now.

159
00:07:58,080 --> 00:07:59,600
Sick.

160
00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:01,560
(FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYS)

161
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:04,120
One night he looks out the window.
He's like, oh, fuck me,

162
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,480
it's misty.
I need to get old Rudolph involved.

163
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:09,760
"Rudolph with your nose so bright,
won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

164
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:12,360
Rudolph could have turned
round right,

165
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:15,200
he could have been like, fuck you
fat lad, the way you've treated me.

166
00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,040
But he doesn't.
Probably because - hello!

167
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,680
Because of the years of abuse
and the resultant low self-esteem.

168
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:23,000
And to be fair,
right, Rudolph gets stuck in

169
00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:24,920
and he plays an absolute blinder,
right.

170
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:27,800
Then suddenly - oh, suddenly -
all the other reindeers love him!

171
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,920
They're all fucking
laughing and dancing

172
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:32,400
and playing their reindeer games.
D'you know what I mean?

173
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:35,600
I tell you, Rudolph being Rudolph,
he'll let bygones be bygones.

174
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:38,760
What I'm saying is, right,
If it had been me,

175
00:08:38,790 --> 00:08:41,030
I'd have fucking petrol bombed
the cunts.

176
00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:43,150
And don't get me started
on Good King Wenceslas.

177
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:44,200
They're starting.

178
00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:49,240
Please welcome, for the annual
Hawley lights switch on...

179
00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:51,720
He's a massive local name,

180
00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:54,280
massive local celebrity,

181
00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:57,040
put your hands together for...

182
00:08:57,080 --> 00:09:01,240
Mister Ian Brillington!

183
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:03,440
(APPLAUSE) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
Wayhey...

184
00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:07,000
Hey, hey, heeeyyyy!
Who the fuck is that?

185
00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:10,400
He went on Britain's Got Talent
and he got four fucking "No's."

186
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:12,720
Pleasure to be here.
Now!

187
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:16,000
Are we ready for the countdown?
ALL: Yes!

188
00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:19,080
I can't hear you!
Oh, don't milk it, Ian.

189
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:22,600
I said, are we ready
for the countdown!(CHEERING)

190
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:25,400
OK, here, we go.
Ten...

191
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:27,680
What was his talent?
ALL: Nine, eight...

192
00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:31,200
He did a reverse strip tease.
Started naked and then...

193
00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:34,120
danced his clothes back on.
Oh, that sounds good.

194
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:37,440
..three, two, one...

195
00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:39,440
ALL: Ooh...

196
00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:40,760
(ELECTRIC SIZZLING)

197
00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:44,720
(GLASS SHATTERS)

198
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:47,800
We can all agree,
Oxford Street it is not. Pints?!

199
00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:49,120
There you go.

200
00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:51,840

mistletoe and wine...

201
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:54,040
Oh my God, this fucking song again!

202
00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:55,680
I've heard it 15 times today!

203
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:58,160
Elizabeth, Elizabeth,
turn this shit off, right?

204
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:00,480
I want to pour this Christian wine

205
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:03,080
where the sun don't shine.

206
00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:04,200
Fuck off.

207
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,160
Get off my fuckin' chair, go on.

208
00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:08,800
Hello.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.

209
00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,120
Welcome to the pub, your magistrate.

210
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,680
I thought you were doing
The Nativity.We are.

211
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,600
so why are you dressed
as King Charles...

212
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:20,520
It's King Herod.
Herod? What is Herod?

213
00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:23,240
Cardi, Herod had all the young men
under the age of two

214
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,120
rounded up and murdered.

215
00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:26,400
For Christmas?
Yes.

216
00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:28,960
Not being funny, but do you think
he might have been miscast?

217
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,000
Tommo!

218
00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:33,000
Just sayin', your son doesn't look
like a baby murderer,

219
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:35,640
with his cherubic features,
his Susan Boyle hair, all that.

220
00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:38,800
I tell you who does look like a baby
murderer, your mate, Liam Watson.

221
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:42,160
With them ratty eyes-Send out
the soldiers and have him destroyed!

222
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:45,040
Oh! Ha, ha, ha...
Ohhh!

223
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:46,160
(LAUGHS)

224
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,880
Right there, very good acting,
that's good acting.

225
00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:52,240
Thanks, Tommo. Who owns a sex truck.
Any more notes?

226
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:54,640
Attitude, d'you know what I mean.

227
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:57,480
Where's Vin?
We don't know, nobody's seen him.

228
00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:58,520
(DOORBELL RINGS)

229
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,760
Ey up, mate. See, it's only little
that rucksack, innit?

230
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:07,200
There's not so much in there.
There's just a toothbrush in there,

231
00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:09,600
and some "pyjamjams"
so you don't see my bits.

232
00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:13,400
I've even brought some din dins,
and this bloody thing here.

233
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,640
That's staying in my pocket.

234
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:18,360
See, all this sucking you do,

235
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:21,560
that is a replacement
for your mother's tit.

236
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,200
You're probably right, you know.
I agree with that.

237
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:26,760
My mum's tit weren't butterscotch
flavour, though.

238
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,840
It was steeped in abandonment.
(LAUGHS)

239
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:31,320
(APPLAUSE IN TV SHOW)

240
00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:38,080
Is your din dins alright?

241
00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:39,960
It's food, I'm eating it.

242
00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:58,280
EDIE: His body's up there.

243
00:11:58,320 --> 00:11:59,440
(TENSE STING)

244
00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:02,080
You what?

245
00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:07,360
My husband, Fred. His body
is in the loft space, mummified.

246
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:11,360
Never go up there.

247
00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:13,680
Mm...

248
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:19,480
Sleep well.

249
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:20,920
Oh, right...

250
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,600
Fucking terrifying.

251
00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:26,800
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
The Nativity!

252
00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,120
Oh my God,
what the hell has happened?

253
00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:32,440
WOMAN: Someone broke in last night,
robbed and trashed the place.

254
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,200
Can we fix it?

255
00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:37,600
Not easily, darling, no.

256
00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:40,280
Come here.

257
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:44,760
Excuse me, would you mind Tyler
for me.Of course.

258
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:50,280
(LINE TRILLS) VOICEMAIL:
Leave your message after the tone.

259
00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:53,040
(BEEP)Vinnie, where the fuck
are you? I need to speak to you.

260
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:55,160
Will you answer your phone, please.
Bye.

261
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:58,920
Two...

262
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,960
two for boring holes.
(DOORBELL RINGS)

263
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,520
What's this one here?
I wanna know what that one is.

264
00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:06,040
I'm coming!

265
00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:09,560
You alright?

266
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:11,680
No.
No, come here...

267
00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:15,160
Oh sausage...
Mm...

268
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:18,920
Get in there, she's in the kitchen.
Tell me exactly what's happened.

269
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,680
You know how much work
the school's put in, right?

270
00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:24,400
It's meant to be this huge event
for the community,

271
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,320
meant to have a Christmas grotto

272
00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:28,680
and then a big Christmas fair
afterwards.

273
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:32,600
Last night, scumbags broke in,
trashed the whole fucking place.

274
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,240
Fuck...
Seriously.

275
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:35,920
Why?
I know.

276
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,440
Fucking hell.
Well, is Tyler alright?

277
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:41,400
No he's not. He's fucking gutted.

278
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,600
You know how much effort
he put into that show.

279
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:45,960
(TUTS) Little man.

280
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,960
Alright, what's the school said?

281
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,160
Well, they want to cancel
the whole thing.

282
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:52,280
Oh, no, that's bad.
Yeah.

283
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,600
Tell 'em that I'll sort it.

284
00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:56,680
And The Nativity 's back on,
I'll make it work.

285
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:58,880
How? Vin, it's in four days.

286
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:01,520
I fucking know, it's a nightmare.
I'll sort it.

287
00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:02,840
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
Oh...

288
00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:04,120
Here she is.

289
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:07,000
Hi, you must be Edie.
Correct.

290
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,320
Oh, I'm Erin.

291
00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:10,600
Nice name.

292
00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:12,760
Ah, thanks, yours is...

293
00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:15,040
four letters, beginning with E.

294
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:17,600
We're the best, ha.
I never liked my name.

295
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:20,800
Oh...There's not a single famous
Edie, that speaks volumes,

296
00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:22,760
don't you think?
There fucking is!

297
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:25,560
Bloody whatsherbollocks...
Edith erm...

298
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:26,600
Piaf!

299
00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:29,680
Most celebrated French singer
ever to live.

300
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:31,160
Also...

301
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:32,800
Edith Bowman.

302
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:34,400
I'm not Edith.

303
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:35,720
No...

304
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:37,840
Are you his girlfriend?
Oh, God, no.

305
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:39,320
No, it's not like that.
No.

306
00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:41,520
I was going to say,
because you're very beautiful.

307
00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:43,320
Aww.
That's hurtful.

308
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:46,200
We have a child together.

309
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:48,840
One-night stand.
Long, long time ago.

310
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:51,560
Drunk, were you?
Oh, God, yeah. (LAUGHS)

311
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:53,520
You'd have to be, wouldn't you?

312
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,760
And you got a baby from it?

313
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:59,640
Yeah, Tyler. Something's happened
at his school, that's why I'm here.

314
00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:02,520
What age is he?
Ten.

315
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:04,960
Primary school.
So, I was a primary school teacher.

316
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:08,600
In the good old days, when you
could clip them round the ear.

317
00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:10,480
Suppose that was a different time.

318
00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:13,440
Anyway,

319
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:15,800
I only came in for my pills.

320
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:19,840
Oh, that's a nice way of doing it.

321
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:23,080
Mm, thought it might make
taking them more fun.

322
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:24,280
Has it?

323
00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:25,640
No!

324
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,400
(AWKWARD CHUCKLE)

325
00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:32,280
(She's a fucking piece of work.)
I like her.

326
00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,280
(LAUGHS)

327
00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:36,160
How long you here for?
I don't know.

328
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:39,200
Until Chris is back off
his fuckin' New Year's holiday.

329
00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:40,880
Fucking...
Good luck.

330
00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:43,840
N-N- No, no, I've just been saving
the best till last.

331
00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:45,560
I need to borrow you.

332
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,000
What if she comes?

333
00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:49,320
If she comes you'll have
to let me know, won't you?

334
00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:51,880
You're the lookout, you turnip.
Right, go on.

335
00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:54,520
Vin, get your arse out my face.
It's all about...

336
00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:56,520
I'll poke it. I'll fucking poke it.

337
00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:59,360
Oo, I'm going in, right.
You fuckin' went right in.

338
00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:03,800
(SINISTER MUSIC)

339
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:05,120
Pfff....

340
00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:10,440
(SCREAMS)What?
What are you doing, Vinnie? What?

341
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:13,520
Fucking husband's up there, dude,
fucking dead, dead.

342
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:14,600
Caught you!
Whaa?!

343
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:17,320
This is the type you are.
You can't be trusted.

344
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:18,920
You've got a fucking dead dude
in your attic!

345
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,320
This is my house
and I'll have what I want in here,

346
00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:23,360
and I don't want YOU.

347
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,880
Well, fucking fine,

348
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:27,200
maybe I'll go.

349
00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:28,720
Do.

350
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:32,000
Let's go. Get out.
I'm going. Come on.

351
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:34,400
Good. And don't come back!

352
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:35,920
I fucking won't, dude.

353
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:40,840
OK, cokey...
Vin, you can't just leave her.

354
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:43,560
She'll be OK. I'll come back later,
check she's still alive.

355
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:47,320
Everything'll be fine. I'm gonna
drop you at home, then Chinese Dan.
It's no problem.

356
00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:48,760
(FESTIVE MUSIC)

357
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:55,280
Trashed Christmas?
Who does a thing like that?

358
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:57,800
They want stringing up,
isn't that right, Calvin?

359
00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,440
Stringing up.
By their short and curlies.

360
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:03,120
So naturally you thought
Chinese Dan - big heart,

361
00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:07,480
cares about his community, a sort
of Santa Claus of the Hawley area.

362
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:11,280
But you're not like Santa Claus!
You're like a fucking bollock

363
00:17:11,310 --> 00:17:12,800
on legs is what you are.

364
00:17:12,830 --> 00:17:16,200
Now listen, it's that time of year,
you get the knock off gear.

365
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:19,200
We need to sort this fucking-
No Vincent, no, that hurt.

366
00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:21,880
Bloody knock off gear.
That's like a...

367
00:17:22,830 --> 00:17:25,830
(SINGS)


368
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,760


369
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:30,640


370
00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:32,320


371
00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:35,120


372
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,760

That's not a real song.

373
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:40,000
That's on of my own
compositions. (GRUNTS)

374
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:41,720
I do soft rock on't weekends.

375
00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:44,040
Have you got Christmas gear
in the lock up, or not?

376
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:47,280
Yeah, course we have.
Reindeer, snowmen, elves...

377
00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:50,520
Calvin, take them
to the Christmas aisle!

378
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,520
Are you coming?
I'm off for a shit.

379
00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:55,800
Gross, dude!

380
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:09,880


381
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:11,480


382
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:14,640
This fucking song again, honestly,
it's fuckin' haunting me.

383
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,560
It's mainly crap that's left,
with it being so close to Christmas.

384
00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:18,760
Is there an Easter aisle?

385
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:21,320
He's not gonna have one
at Christmas, is he, Cardi?

386
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:23,080
We do, actually. That's aisle 5.

387
00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:25,920
Aisle 12's Halloween,
and aisle 69's Valentine's.

388
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,120
It's not, cos you haven't got
69 aisles, have you?

389
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,520
You're lying to make it sexy.
But I COULD do.

390
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:33,200
Right, we're here.
What you looking for?

391
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:35,920
Jesus, it's all a bit low rent,
lads, isn't it, like?

392
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,240
What the fuck is that, like?
(CLATTER)Oh.

393
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:41,800
That, Carol, is clearly our lord
and saviour, the baby Jesus.

394
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:43,160
But it has a wonky left eye

395
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:45,320
and it's only three fingers
on its little hand.

396
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:48,080
We can't be too negative.
It does, it looks like shite,

397
00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:50,800
but there's plenty to go at.
You've got your fake snow.

398
00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:54,440
That's terrible stuff, innit, that?
That's going in a dolphin's eyes.

399
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:56,400
Or a moron's.
(LAUGHTER)

400
00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:59,880
You've got the fuckin' fairy lights.
They're gonna look fantastic.

401
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:04,480
What I'm saying is, there can't be
much more we need for The Nativity.

402
00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:07,280
D'you know what I'm saying, Calvin?
We need the entire set.

403
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:10,200
Fucking costumes, an inn,
Wise Three Men shit...

404
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:13,040
Where are we gonna get all of that?
(MOBILE RINGS)

405
00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:15,720
Oh, bloody hell. You alright, lad?

406
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:16,760
Hiya, Dad.

407
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:20,160
I'm at Jim's farm, we've got
a brilliant idea for The Nativity.

408
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,160
Oh, you're fucking joking.

409
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,840
I'd like to buy these,
but I think they're too "deer."

410
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:26,520
(LAUGHING)

411
00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,600
(TYRES SCREECH)
(HAND BRAKE CLICKS)

412
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:31,400
Come on, children.

413
00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:34,520
Here we go, have a look at this.

414
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,040
Ta-dah!

415
00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:39,720
What d'you think?
I think that it's, well...

416
00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:44,120
It's, it's very... it's very...
Like, what I like is, is erm...

417
00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:45,880
What the fuck is that?
Yeah.Yeah.

418
00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:49,240
Nativity.
In fucking situ.

419
00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:51,720
Baby Jesus was born in a barn.
Shh...

420
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:54,200
Realistic this,
the smell of cow shit.

421
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:57,080
Oh, God.
Real cold blowing through the doors.

422
00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:59,120
Just like Bethlehem.
Mm...

423
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:02,280
They can perform it right here.
For a small remuneration.

424
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:04,480
Oh, you're just
the opposite of Christmas.

425
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:07,600
Who are these lads here?
Three Wise Men and a friend.

426
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:09,640
They're not very wise-looking
though.

427
00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:11,800
They're more like the shadowy
figures that haunt my dreams.

428
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:15,000
But they're temporary,
on the day you'll have kid actors.

429
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:18,920
Can I just ask?
This is baby Jesus represented by...

430
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,800
a root veg?
Well, again, temporary.

431
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:24,760
Yeah...
You can tell. Come here, to me.

432
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:27,520
I just want you to know that
I'm very proud of you.

433
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,920
You're like your dad,
you're a fucking do-er, alright?

434
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:32,160
We can do better.
You can, yeah, definitely.

435
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:33,840
We can always do better,
all of us can.

436
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:37,400
I'm gonna fucking help you out,
alright? This guy is staying.

437
00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:40,360
I like him. Potato Jesus,
digging it big time.

438
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,840
(MOBILE RINGS)
Shit, who's this now?

439
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:45,920
Edie? You alright, love?
Fire! My kitchen's on fire.

440
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,680
You what?
I've set it on fire.

441
00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:50,600
What? What the fuck?
Well, are you alright?

442
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,960
Listen to me, get out of the
fucking house and ring 999.

443
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,400
I'm on my way to you.
Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks.

444
00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:58,480
Jimbo, Jim, take the boy home.

445
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:07,640
(HAND BRAKE CLICKS)
(HORN HONKS)

446
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:12,240
(KNOCKS)
(RINGS DOORBELL)

447
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:14,000
Edie?!

448
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:16,840
Edie?!

449
00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:18,840
Fuck!

450
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:20,760
(GROANS)
Arse...

451
00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:22,360
Fuck me...

452
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,880
I'm coming. Oh for, fuck me!

453
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:28,040
(DOOR SLAMS)

454
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:29,520
What the fuck?!

455
00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:33,360
Err, sorry, false alarm.

456
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:36,800
There's not any fucking- You're
not even cooking nor nothing, dude.

457
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:40,040
I was shitting myself.
I, I thought I saw smoke.

458
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:42,200
What, from your fucking cup of tea?

459
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:43,720
I thought you were on fire.

460
00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:46,760
I've just been trying to sort
Tyler's Christmas school thing.

461
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:50,280
Some fucker has completely
written off the bloody Nativity.

462
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:53,040
Who the fuck does-
What's wrong with people?

463
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:56,200
(SIGHS)

464
00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:58,560
I'm sorry I'm shouting.

465
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:03,000
I'm very sweaty and I've banged
my arse on the fucking gate.

466
00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:06,240
I didn't think you liked me
being round here.

467
00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:09,880
I don't.

468
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,320
Shall I make you a warm drink?

469
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:15,720
Yes, please.

470
00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:28,960

"You Don't Bring Me Flowers"

471
00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:39,040


472
00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:43,520


473
00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:45,520
(MUFFLED MUSIC)

474
00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:47,760


475
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:53,160

at the end of the day

476
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,440


477
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:01,720
Baked beans.

478
00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:03,920
Baked beans, how many?

479
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:04,960
One.

480
00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:08,480
Tinned tomatoes.

481
00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:11,280
Oh... Just one?
One.

482
00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:14,880
So, your son, he's in The Nativity?
Yeah, well yeah,

483
00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:18,000
he will be if we can get the bloody
thing up and running again, yeah.

484
00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:19,440
Acting in his blood?

485
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:23,320
Well, I wouldn't say that. But
he fucking enjoys it, definitely.

486
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:26,040
Err, tinned lentils.

487
00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:27,720
How many?

488
00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:29,080
Two- One.

489
00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:33,160
I used to do all that.

490
00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:34,640
Put on shows.

491
00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:38,520
I'd write them, direct them,
I did all the school ones,

492
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:41,760
but also outside
for a kid's theatre group.

493
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:43,960
We used to tour, we were good.

494
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,400
Did your kids enjoy acting as well?

495
00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:48,440
How do you know I have any?

496
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:49,800
Cos you have pictures.

497
00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:53,720
No, they were more into sport.

498
00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:54,960
Cricket...

499
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:58,240
Joshua was, he was good at cricket.

500
00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:01,760
Well, you see a lot.
How do you make a living?

501
00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:05,200
You've got a lot of free time,
haven't you? For shopping
with old ladies.

502
00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:08,480
That's right, cos I'm a good lad.
I'm just in a...

503
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:12,640
unique industry, growing erm...

504
00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:16,160
medicinal plants.

505
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:19,360
Oh, oh, I see, I see.
And that pays well, does it?

506
00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:21,880
Well...
The nice clothes, the nice trainers,

507
00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:23,960
neck tattoos. They don't come cheap.

508
00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:28,120
I've smoked a little marijuana

509
00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:30,640
during my bohemian phase.

510
00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:33,880
And what did your bohemian
phase involve, eh?

511
00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:35,800
Sex, mainly...

512
00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:38,320
We used to have a lot of sex.
Chickpeas.

513
00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:40,680
Mm, how many? One?
Yes.

514
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:42,920
I suppose young people still do,
don't they,

515
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:45,840
with their grinder and whatnot.
They're fucking mad for it.

516
00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:48,240
It's an epidemic.
You not on that?

517
00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:50,120
No, I tried Tinder once,
but it's awful.

518
00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:52,720
It's like shopping
for fucking trainers.

519
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:56,360
You're not one of the normal ones,
are you, Gregory?Vinnie.

520
00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:59,360
I will call you Gregory.
Well, alright then...

521
00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:02,600
It's a theatre prop.

522
00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:05,360
What is?

523
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:08,480
The mummy. It's a prop.
From a show.

524
00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:10,760
The kids loved playing with it.

525
00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:13,640
It was a better mummy
than some of them had at home...

526
00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:22,480
Fucking size of that rice.
(CAR BOOT OPENS)

527
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:27,680
What is this tat?
You off to the dump?

528
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:30,880
Never mind fucking tat.
This is for the bloody whatsit...

529
00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:33,760
for the school bloody Nativity shit.
What in God's name?

530
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:35,120
What is, what is that?!

531
00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:37,120
I beg you to be careful
with the crown.

532
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:40,800
That's a Wise Man's crown.It's not
a crown, it's a plastic tiara.

533
00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:42,600
Oh, for... God, no,

534
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:47,600
Greg, no child should be subjected
to a bad Nativity.

535
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:49,320
What do you want me to do?
I'm fucked.

536
00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:52,880
I know it's bad. It's all I can do.
I'm pushed for fucking time.

537
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,160
Life's just a bit of a shitter.

538
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,920
It's too fucking drags,
we're not even the house.

539
00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:02,400
Oh gosh...

540
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:06,640
Oh, it's a long time
since I've smoked a joint.

541
00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:09,880


542
00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:19,320


543
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:22,560


544
00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:25,840
Now, listen,
I have rolled that mild.

545
00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:28,920
But I still want you
to take your time.

546
00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:31,520
Because it is a lot stronger than...

547
00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:33,360
it used to be.

548
00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:36,400
Oh...
Why the fuck do I even speak?

549
00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:38,600
Oh, that's nice.It is.
Mmm...

550
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:40,320
You see I...
No, no, no, no, no,

551
00:26:40,360 --> 00:26:42,600
you shouldn't do it like that.
Have a minute,

552
00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:45,120
cos you'll have whitey,
you'll have to go on't floor,

553
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:47,520
and I'll find some chocolates
to pull you out the shite.

554
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:49,560
Don't fuss. Mm...

555
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:51,120
Mm...

556
00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:53,200
Too much...
(CHUCKLES)

557
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:55,160
(LAUGHS)

558
00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:57,600
(COUGHS)

559
00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:03,160
Oh, I feel strange, don't you?
I know, you've gone too far.

560
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:05,560
We're gonna have to go in.
Come on, dickhead.

561
00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:07,760
Oh...D'you want to come
to the couch for a bit?

562
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:10,320
Just come up slow.
Come up slow, come on now...

563
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:17,280
(SUCKS)
Why do you...

564
00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:24,440
why do you live alone in the woods,
like some...

565
00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:27,800
creepy, forest vagrant?

566
00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:32,480
Honest to God,
I don't fucking know to be honest.

567
00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:34,920
I think I just like the peace
and quiet of it.

568
00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:39,000
Doesn't it get lonely?
Yeah.

569
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:44,280
Yeah, it fucking does, yeah.
And at night it's the worst.

570
00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:47,400
I always wish
there was someone there at night.

571
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:52,200
But then... truthfully I just
want 'em gone within a few hours.

572
00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:56,320
I'm just not good with people.
I think it's cos Mum wasn't about.

573
00:27:56,360 --> 00:27:58,280
She left me at a very early age.

574
00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:01,040
So I just never really got my head
around it.

575
00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:02,920
Socialising.

576
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:06,000
And do you see,
do you see your mother now?

577
00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:09,920
Yeah... saw her once but, well...

578
00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:15,280
She's got a life of her own
now, really, you know?

579
00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:19,160
Oh, don't let pride get in the way.
I've seen that happen.

580
00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:22,920
Only when it's too late and people
think, why didn't I act sooner...

581
00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:24,160
(SIGHS)

582
00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:28,360
What happened to your husband?

583
00:28:30,440 --> 00:28:33,680
I'll tell you a story...

584
00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:35,080
Nice.

585
00:28:35,120 --> 00:28:37,200
Many years ago,

586
00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:42,280
I was walking
to get a, a trophy engraved,

587
00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:44,320
don't ask me why, it's a long story.

588
00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:48,160
And the trophy isn't relevant.
And it was raining.

589
00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:50,400
And on the way back,

590
00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:54,240
I saw this great big puddle of
human vomit,

591
00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:56,040
from the night before.

592
00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:59,520
And it was a really good spread
actually - carrots, obviously,

593
00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:03,160
lumpy bits, all sorts,
and, as I walked past,

594
00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:06,280
a bird swooped down,

595
00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:09,600
a magpie it was,
and they're beautiful birds,

596
00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:13,720
just magnificent feathers - and
it started eating from the vomit,

597
00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:15,440
just...

598
00:29:15,480 --> 00:29:20,080
gulping down all
the really chunky stuff...

599
00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:23,040
Mm...

600
00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:25,880
Fucking hell,
is that the end of the story?

601
00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:27,920
Mmhmm.
Lord God.

602
00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:30,600
What did any of that mean then?

603
00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:33,000
That was my marriage.

604
00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:35,120
And I was the magpie.

605
00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:38,800
For far too many years...

606
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:48,640
Oh,

607
00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:53,040
one of the boys who used to come
to my theatre group, Dick Dolphin -

608
00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:55,440
his real name, staggeringly -

609
00:29:55,480 --> 00:29:59,240
I think he might be able to help
with your Nativity.

610
00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:01,280
I've heard his name before.

611
00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:04,400
Well, yeah, he was in the paper
for avoiding his taxes.

612
00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:08,280
I did NOT avoid taxes.
(CASHIER DINGS)

613
00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:10,360
(LAUGHS)
Cheeky bugger.

614
00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:14,000
He's a businessman now.
But he has a Winter Wonderland.

615
00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:16,920
I was quite a big influence on him,
back when he was young,

616
00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:19,440
cos the theatre group gave him
a sense of purpose.

617
00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:23,920
I think he would let you borrow some
sets and costumes for Tyler's show.

618
00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:25,880
Can you have a word with him
for me, then?

619
00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:28,560
Well, I haven't spoken to him
for a long time, but...

620
00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:31,120
Yes, I will do that.

621
00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:35,840
Could you get my phone,
and light this for me please.

622
00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:37,240
Yeah, give it here.

623
00:30:37,280 --> 00:30:40,800
I feel like you might have been
Bogart in this, ever so slightly.

624
00:30:46,480 --> 00:30:51,720
Come here. I want you to meet
Dr Chris' Auntie Edie.

625
00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:53,880
Into the wonderland.

626
00:30:57,760 --> 00:31:00,200
Mister Dolphin's assistant's
on his way down now.

627
00:31:00,240 --> 00:31:02,640
Assistant, can't he walk?

628
00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:04,880
Like a real dolphin.

629
00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:07,480
Here he is.
(PATHOLOGICALLY CHEERFUL)Hello.

630
00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:11,040
Hey.Alright, I'm Blizzard,
you must be Edith.

631
00:31:11,080 --> 00:31:14,120
You must be Edith's friends.
Mr Dolphin is expecting you.

632
00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:16,200
So if you'd like to follow me
this way.

633
00:31:16,240 --> 00:31:18,880
Oh, it's quite a long walk...

634
00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:23,240
(LAUGHS) OK...

635
00:31:23,280 --> 00:31:26,640
I feel like an invalid.
Sorry, it's "elf and safety."

636
00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:30,000
Oh, Christ alive.
That's the Santa Paws gallery,

637
00:31:30,040 --> 00:31:33,040
fun photos of dogs
in festive fancy dress.

638
00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:34,400
The kids love it.
Do they?

639
00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:37,080
What's that there, there?
That's, that's Whack-a-pole.

640
00:31:37,120 --> 00:31:39,920
North pole, penguins pop up,
whack 'em back down.

641
00:31:39,960 --> 00:31:41,800
Hey, Blizzard, come here.

642
00:31:41,840 --> 00:31:44,880
So I read that you put on
all these bloody plays, don't you?

643
00:31:44,920 --> 00:31:47,440
You've got a stage and stuff like.
You do Nativities...

644
00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:50,760
We have several shows everyday.
The Nativity's very popular.

645
00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:54,520
Oh...We do a Christmas Carol
with a female Scrooge for diversity.

646
00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:57,600
We do a dance version of
It's A Wonderful Life.
The kids love that.

647
00:31:57,640 --> 00:32:00,320
How far is this office?
Oh, we're nearly there.

648
00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:03,400
You see that glittery door,
that's the Elf's workshop.

649
00:32:03,440 --> 00:32:05,840
And Mr Dolphin's grotto. (LAUGHS)
Oh...

650
00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:09,240
That's exciting, innit?
Sorry, excuse me, thank you. OK...

651
00:32:09,280 --> 00:32:10,520
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

652
00:32:13,320 --> 00:32:14,440
(BEEPING)

653
00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:27,440
(SNORTS)

654
00:32:28,400 --> 00:32:30,480
It's like Mister Benn
that room, innit?

655
00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:33,520
Go in normal,
come out like a snowman...

656
00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:35,120
Who's Mister Benn?

657
00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:37,800
It's a kids TV show.

658
00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:40,480
He went into a shop and put
on a costume and then he'd come out

659
00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:42,400
and go into the world
of the costume.

660
00:32:42,440 --> 00:32:44,960
You know like, spaceman, acrobat.
It was sick.

661
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:48,920
With no training?
He just started doing these jobs,
these dangerous jobs.

662
00:32:48,960 --> 00:32:52,000
Oh, here he is. (LAUGHS)

663
00:32:52,040 --> 00:32:55,520
The man "yule" want to meet...

664
00:32:55,560 --> 00:32:58,080
"Claus" he has the best
Christmas Wonderland in town.

665
00:32:58,120 --> 00:33:00,000
Dick Dolphin!

666
00:33:00,040 --> 00:33:01,040
(APPLAUSE)

667
00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:06,720
Please...
No applause, no applause...

668
00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:08,520
Hello, Richard.

669
00:33:08,560 --> 00:33:10,160
Ah, Edie...

670
00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:11,720
Edie, Edie, Edie.

671
00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:13,920
How is my favourite OAP?

672
00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:16,280
When was it last? '96, '97?

673
00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:19,920
Time flies
when you're building an empire.

674
00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:22,640
And avoiding your taxes.
Mmm...

675
00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:27,400
Has she told you...
she saved my life, this woman,

676
00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:30,720
with a proscenium arch
and a love of fine dialogue.

677
00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:34,200
I've kept it up, you know, Edie.
Treading the boards, not just here,

678
00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:36,520
but with an amateur touring group
as well.

679
00:33:36,560 --> 00:33:38,440
Lear next year.
Oh...

680
00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:43,640
"As flies to wanton boys
are we to th' gods:

681
00:33:43,680 --> 00:33:46,480
They kill us for their sport."

682
00:33:46,520 --> 00:33:48,000
Lovely... Lovely.
Shit.

683
00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:49,760
Come on.
It was good, actually.

684
00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:52,400
It's just a small thing.
What d'you mean? Wow, man.

685
00:33:52,440 --> 00:33:55,600
Sorry... Dick Dolphin,
entrepreneur and entertainer.

686
00:33:55,640 --> 00:33:59,840
Or the other way around,
depending on the day. (LAUGHS)

687
00:33:59,880 --> 00:34:03,320
You, oh, God,
he's just such a charmer.

688
00:34:03,360 --> 00:34:06,160
I'll just introduce myself properly.
I'm Vincent O'Neill,

689
00:34:06,200 --> 00:34:08,040
this is the gang, that's Tommo.
How do.

690
00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:10,480
Course, you know our Edie.
Big lad's Ashley.Hello.

691
00:34:10,520 --> 00:34:14,600
Cardi, JJ. And the green angel
on the end is our Carol.

692
00:34:14,630 --> 00:34:17,480
Ah... Well, Carol,

693
00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:20,560
that is an appropriate name
for this time of year.

694
00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:23,120
So's Dick.

695
00:34:24,670 --> 00:34:29,360
Have you seen it, my wonderland?
My... magical kingdom.

696
00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:32,520
We've seen it there a minute ago.
You should stick around tonight,

697
00:34:32,560 --> 00:34:34,710
we're doing a thrilling
new version of The Snowman,

698
00:34:34,760 --> 00:34:38,960
written by yours truly.
(It has a happy ending.)

699
00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:40,960
Be careful, love,
you'll put your back out.

700
00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:42,560
A...nd he's back up.

701
00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:45,360
It's a wonderful thing
you've created here, Richard.

702
00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:48,760
I can't believe that little boy
that I coached

703
00:34:48,800 --> 00:34:52,360
has transformed into
the Winter Walt Disney.

704
00:34:52,400 --> 00:34:56,120
Thank you.And we've come
to ask a little favour.

705
00:34:57,200 --> 00:34:58,720
Favour?

706
00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:00,720
Greg'll tell you.
Yes.

707
00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:03,680
Hoodlums have come and they've
trashed The Nativity

708
00:35:03,720 --> 00:35:05,840
at my son's school.

709
00:35:05,880 --> 00:35:08,760
Mm-mm.We're just doing our best
to sort of pull together

710
00:35:08,800 --> 00:35:11,920
some sort of a bloody
Christmas play type deal.

711
00:35:11,960 --> 00:35:15,080
And of course Edie,
having spent so much time with you

712
00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:17,240
and knowing that you have
this wonderful place

713
00:35:17,280 --> 00:35:20,200
and how you might be able to help us
out with sets, or costumes?

714
00:35:20,240 --> 00:35:22,360
Props.
Props of Nativity-based stuff.

715
00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:25,560
Right, right.You know, she said
how much they'd all meant to you.

716
00:35:25,600 --> 00:35:28,040
Did she, did she now?

717
00:35:28,080 --> 00:35:30,120
She did.
It's a small favour,

718
00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:32,120
with all the wonderful stuff
you have here.

719
00:35:32,160 --> 00:35:35,440
You will make a lot of children
so happy.

720
00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:38,520
A small favour...

721
00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:41,200
Sometimes everyone
needs a favour, don't they?

722
00:35:41,240 --> 00:35:45,640
And if you get one
it should always be repaid...

723
00:35:45,680 --> 00:35:47,320
Mm...
Exactly.

724
00:35:47,360 --> 00:35:49,040
True.

725
00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:50,600
But...

726
00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:53,160
Edie...

727
00:35:55,400 --> 00:35:58,080
Let's just...

728
00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:01,680
..travel back through time,
shall we?ALL: Oh...

729
00:36:01,720 --> 00:36:06,760
Back to when I were 14 years of age
and the BBC, God bless 'em,

730
00:36:06,800 --> 00:36:10,320
they were making a drama in Hawley.
Do you remember?

731
00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:14,040
Well, I went to the open auditions,
and I got through to the last three

732
00:36:14,080 --> 00:36:17,680
to play Snelly, the son
of an unemployed factory worker

733
00:36:17,720 --> 00:36:19,880
who overcame his loneliness

734
00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:22,080
through his friendship
with a semi mute tramp.

735
00:36:22,120 --> 00:36:24,720
Yes, I do, I do remember.

736
00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:26,520
Do you?

737
00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:29,240
And do you remember
saying you'd take a young Dicky

738
00:36:29,280 --> 00:36:31,880
to the final audition
in city centre Manchester?

739
00:36:34,600 --> 00:36:37,880
This was all a long time ago.
Yeah.

740
00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:40,800
That was a small favour, wasn't it?

741
00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:46,120
One that could have catapulted young
Dicky Dolphin to fame and stardom.

742
00:36:46,160 --> 00:36:49,160
But, alas, ladies and gentlemen,

743
00:36:50,160 --> 00:36:51,560
she didn't show up.

744
00:36:53,200 --> 00:36:54,440
Oh...

745
00:36:54,480 --> 00:36:56,880
Fuck me, he's held on to
that one, hasn't he?

746
00:36:58,080 --> 00:37:01,920
I had my reasons...
Shit, yeah, err, bad times,

747
00:37:01,960 --> 00:37:05,560
just leave them in the past
and focus on't Nativity.

748
00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:06,880
Hey, hey.

749
00:37:06,920 --> 00:37:08,400
Mm...

750
00:37:10,280 --> 00:37:14,000
Despite appearances,
I am not Santa Claus.

751
00:37:14,040 --> 00:37:16,600
I can't just give away
parts of my wonderland

752
00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:20,400
to the first Tom, Dick, or Greg
who walk through the door.

753
00:37:22,040 --> 00:37:23,120
So...

754
00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:25,960
Oh Dick, Dick, fucking Dick!

755
00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:28,840
Please,
we just desperately need help.

756
00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:31,320
I understand that
we're asking a lot here.

757
00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:33,200
Fuck me, it's Christmas, dude.

758
00:37:33,240 --> 00:37:36,360
And you could make
a lot of children very happy, man.

759
00:37:38,440 --> 00:37:40,440
Children?

760
00:37:40,480 --> 00:37:41,760
Happy?

761
00:37:42,840 --> 00:37:46,640
How about you ask her if
she's made her own children happy.

762
00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:49,680
How about you ask her
why they don't speak to her anymore.

763
00:37:49,720 --> 00:37:51,360
How about that?

764
00:37:54,680 --> 00:37:56,120
It's a NO.

765
00:37:56,160 --> 00:37:57,520
Ho-ho-ho!

766
00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:01,920
You're not fucking clapping
for that twat.

767
00:38:01,960 --> 00:38:04,200
(CLEARS THROAT)
Can I get anyone eggnog?

768
00:38:04,240 --> 00:38:07,680
You can knob off Blizzard.
Take your puns with you, you twat.

769
00:38:07,720 --> 00:38:09,400
Get me out of here.
Get her out of here.

770
00:38:09,440 --> 00:38:12,080
I want you and I want fucking you.
Come here right now.

771
00:38:12,120 --> 00:38:14,080
You two are fucking
recceing this place.

772
00:38:14,120 --> 00:38:18,200
We're gonna rob that penis dolphin
dickhead. D'you hear me?Yeah.

773
00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:30,760
VINNIE: Right, fucking listen up
now. Edie can't hear any of this.

774
00:38:30,800 --> 00:38:32,400
Go on, JJ.
JJ: This...

775
00:38:32,440 --> 00:38:34,560
is the main area of the Wonderlands,
OK?

776
00:38:34,600 --> 00:38:38,200
But as we all saw, these doors here,
they lead back stage.

777
00:38:38,240 --> 00:38:41,440
So, I clocked the security code
as Blizzard put it in. 2512.

778
00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:44,080
Why would you choose that?
It's difficult to remember.

779
00:38:44,120 --> 00:38:45,600
It's Christmas Day, Cardi.

780
00:38:45,640 --> 00:38:47,840
We're gonna go in late,
and when no-one's looking

781
00:38:47,880 --> 00:38:50,240
we're gonna sneak backstage,
like we work there,

782
00:38:50,280 --> 00:38:52,840
head as confident as you like
into the costume cupboard

783
00:38:52,880 --> 00:38:55,360
where we're gonna dress up in
whatever the fuck we like, alright?

784
00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:58,160
From then on, we're gonna merge
back into that bloody party

785
00:38:58,200 --> 00:39:00,160
like we were always part
of the fucking show.

786
00:39:00,200 --> 00:39:03,400
Until 10pm. That's when the lights
go out and everyone goes home.

787
00:39:03,440 --> 00:39:06,520
Except, WE will be hiding
inside the wonderlands.

788
00:39:06,560 --> 00:39:08,760
When the lights go out,
take whatever the fuck we want

789
00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:11,040
and we are gonna exit at the exit.

790
00:39:11,080 --> 00:39:13,240
Now I want you watching Edie.
Oh, why me?

791
00:39:13,280 --> 00:39:16,840
I want you watching- Because
you are sensitive and you're kind.

792
00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:19,600
It's what she needs. Also,
she might accidently kill herself.

793
00:39:19,640 --> 00:39:22,000
Just keep your eye on her, alright?
Good lad.

794
00:39:22,040 --> 00:39:26,000
It's nothing to do with what
Dick Dolphin said, I'm just tired.

795
00:39:26,040 --> 00:39:28,480
Come on, Edie.
Open't door for just a second.

796
00:39:28,520 --> 00:39:30,120
No.

797
00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:33,680
Alright, well, listen. I've gotta
nip out and do one or two things.

798
00:39:33,720 --> 00:39:35,800
But I've, I've got my friend Cardi
here,

799
00:39:35,840 --> 00:39:39,280
who's beautifully house
trained just in case...

800
00:39:40,360 --> 00:39:43,360
Where are you going?
You're not gonna steal anything?

801
00:39:45,280 --> 00:39:47,680
No, no.

802
00:39:47,720 --> 00:39:48,960
Just...

803
00:39:49,000 --> 00:39:50,440
stuff to sort out.

804
00:39:53,480 --> 00:39:55,960
You alright, you seem a bit down?
I'm fine.

805
00:39:56,000 --> 00:39:57,000
Fuck.

806
00:39:59,080 --> 00:40:00,520
(SWITCHES CLICK)

807
00:40:12,120 --> 00:40:14,760
Surprise! I wanna come with you.

808
00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:18,160
No, no, no... no, no.
You are not coming with us.

809
00:40:18,200 --> 00:40:20,920
Every fucking time you come on a job
you just fuck something up.

810
00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:22,040
Like when?

811
00:40:22,080 --> 00:40:25,480
When have I EVER messed up
any of your fucking jobs?

812
00:40:25,520 --> 00:40:27,400
Mind out that prop there, Jim.

813
00:40:27,440 --> 00:40:28,880
No, no, no, no, no, no, no...

814
00:40:28,920 --> 00:40:30,760
(CRUMBLING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

815
00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:32,800
I mean, fuck me, dickhead!

816
00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:34,840
Practically bomb proof.
(SCREAMS)

817
00:40:34,880 --> 00:40:35,880
(GUNFIRE)

818
00:40:35,920 --> 00:40:38,360
Oh fuck, ah!
Fucking me you knob head.

819
00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:45,120
Oh, come on, lads, it's the season
of goodwill, innit?

820
00:40:45,160 --> 00:40:48,360
The fucking peace and forgiveness
and all that bollocks.

821
00:40:48,400 --> 00:40:50,880
Just suck out all the joie de vivre.

822
00:40:50,920 --> 00:40:52,840
You can come on the job.
I swear to God, dude,

823
00:40:52,880 --> 00:40:54,440
if you fuck something up,

824
00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:56,720
I'll put the star of Bethlehem
up your pee hole.

825
00:40:56,760 --> 00:40:58,000
D'you hear me?

826
00:40:58,040 --> 00:41:00,520
Yeah, alright. Let's fucking go.

827
00:41:00,560 --> 00:41:03,920
Get the fuck in front of us you..
Get out of here.

828
00:41:06,320 --> 00:41:07,320
JJ.

829
00:41:11,040 --> 00:41:14,280
Lovely jumper, you knit it yourself.
(LAUGHS) I'm joking.

830
00:41:18,240 --> 00:41:20,040
Oh, God.

831
00:41:21,760 --> 00:41:27,160
I don't know why Santa chose
reindeers, they can't even fly.

832
00:41:27,200 --> 00:41:30,160
Produce good milk, though,
high in protein.

833
00:41:31,760 --> 00:41:34,920
They're probably why Santa's so fat.

834
00:41:34,960 --> 00:41:38,160
You look like Santa.
Except thin and ugly.

835
00:41:39,040 --> 00:41:41,520
You cheeky little cunt.

836
00:41:41,560 --> 00:41:42,680
Naughty list!

837
00:41:42,720 --> 00:41:44,400
(CRIES)
Yeah.

838
00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:46,000
Dad...
You're getting nowt!

839
00:41:46,040 --> 00:41:47,760
Oh, come on, knobhead!

840
00:41:51,080 --> 00:41:53,880
(BEEPING)Lads, wait for me,
fucks sake.

841
00:41:54,760 --> 00:41:57,400
So, it's straight through here
to the fucking costumes.

842
00:41:57,440 --> 00:41:59,680
Shite! Elf!
..working bloody hard here.

843
00:41:59,720 --> 00:42:02,560
I've not even been nominated
for Elf Of The Month.
There's a cupboard!

844
00:42:02,600 --> 00:42:06,280
(SHUSHING)
I'm fine, I'm just a bit...

845
00:42:06,320 --> 00:42:09,240
I'm just a bit stressed
at the minute. A bit overwhelmed.

846
00:42:09,280 --> 00:42:10,640
Right, job...
Shhh....

847
00:42:10,680 --> 00:42:13,840
This is all well and good, but
how we gonna know when he's gone?

848
00:42:13,880 --> 00:42:15,840
Shit.
I think we should send Jim out,

849
00:42:15,880 --> 00:42:18,440
because other Jim did not meet him
the first time we met him.

850
00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:20,960
Yeah, let the fuck up begin.
Be positive!

851
00:42:21,000 --> 00:42:24,320
What I think you should do, right,
go in there and pretend

852
00:42:24,360 --> 00:42:26,600
you've got dementia
and you've wandered in by accident.

853
00:42:26,640 --> 00:42:29,760
Cos I'm not being funny Jim,
but I do think it'll be believable.

854
00:42:29,800 --> 00:42:32,960
More than fucking believable.
Hey, hey, you fucking listen to me.

855
00:42:33,000 --> 00:42:35,320
Get out there, distract that elf.
Prove yourself.

856
00:42:35,360 --> 00:42:37,560
Yeah, yeah, just leave it
to the expert.

857
00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:40,400
Reindeers at five.

858
00:42:40,440 --> 00:42:43,560
Finish at six. Snowglobes tomorrow.

859
00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:46,720
I'll breathe, I'll breathe,
I just...

860
00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:48,280
Ho-ho-ho.

861
00:42:49,320 --> 00:42:50,560
Hello..?

862
00:42:50,600 --> 00:42:52,920
Shall I tell you about Elves...

863
00:42:52,960 --> 00:42:55,200
Please do... Father Christmas.

864
00:42:55,240 --> 00:42:58,440
In the past, Elves were said
to take away human children,

865
00:42:58,480 --> 00:43:00,000
curse 'em and drive 'em mad.

866
00:43:01,560 --> 00:43:04,480
Oh, can you show me where
the nearest bathroom is?

867
00:43:04,520 --> 00:43:07,680
I need to deposit my yule log.
Yeah, wai... have we..?

868
00:43:07,720 --> 00:43:10,480
Come on, I'm touching cloth here!
Yeah, I...

869
00:43:10,520 --> 00:43:12,040
Fucking hell.
Have I known you?

870
00:43:13,960 --> 00:43:16,760
Let's go.Sick. Come on,
let's get the costumes on.

871
00:43:20,600 --> 00:43:24,160
(DOOR OPENS) Sick! Fantastic.
We've gotta be as quick as we can.

872
00:43:24,200 --> 00:43:26,960
Find something that fits, put it on,
let's get back to the show.

873
00:43:27,000 --> 00:43:30,520
Right, can I just say, though,
I will not be a fucking elf.

874
00:43:30,560 --> 00:43:32,280
(HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

875
00:44:03,960 --> 00:44:06,400
Everything OK, can you manage?

876
00:44:06,440 --> 00:44:07,640
I'm fine.

877
00:44:10,760 --> 00:44:12,520
Here, let me, I can...
No.

878
00:44:14,320 --> 00:44:17,280
So, what's your deal then?

879
00:44:19,080 --> 00:44:20,680
How d'you mean?

880
00:44:21,920 --> 00:44:24,920
Do they often leave you behind?

881
00:44:24,960 --> 00:44:26,200
No.

882
00:44:26,240 --> 00:44:29,480
No, no, I'm actually
an integrated...

883
00:44:29,520 --> 00:44:34,200
not integrated... important...

884
00:44:34,240 --> 00:44:36,800
..p-part of, of t-the team.

885
00:44:38,440 --> 00:44:40,280
You have a kind face.

886
00:44:42,200 --> 00:44:44,760
You remind me of one of my sons.

887
00:44:44,800 --> 00:44:46,480
Right.

888
00:44:46,520 --> 00:44:48,280
W-w-which one?

889
00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:50,040
The fat one, Carl.

890
00:44:51,000 --> 00:44:54,680
Oh, I can see him now,
he'd be standing there.

891
00:44:54,720 --> 00:44:58,160
He'd say, "Mum, let's have a dance."
(CHUCKLES)

892
00:44:59,040 --> 00:45:03,200
He'd put a record on -
Neil Diamond, or Elkie Brooks,

893
00:45:03,240 --> 00:45:05,480
and he liked the 70's
for some reason.

894
00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:07,760
And then he'd want us to...

895
00:45:07,800 --> 00:45:11,920
just float around
like Fred and Ginger.

896
00:45:11,960 --> 00:45:15,360
That, that must have been nice.

897
00:45:15,400 --> 00:45:17,600
Yes.

898
00:45:17,640 --> 00:45:19,000
Yes it was.

899
00:45:20,400 --> 00:45:23,360
I bet they r-really love you.

900
00:45:33,480 --> 00:45:34,960
(CUTLERY CLINKS)

901
00:45:36,200 --> 00:45:38,840
I can dance with you, if you like?

902
00:45:40,600 --> 00:45:42,200
I mean,

903
00:45:42,240 --> 00:45:45,840
I got two left feet and-and
well, you've got a foot cast on,

904
00:45:45,880 --> 00:45:48,600
but w-we can try.

905
00:45:52,120 --> 00:45:55,160



906
00:45:55,200 --> 00:45:57,120


907
00:45:58,680 --> 00:46:03,200


908
00:46:04,560 --> 00:46:09,800


909
00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:13,120


910
00:46:13,160 --> 00:46:17,040


911
00:46:17,080 --> 00:46:22,040


912
00:46:22,080 --> 00:46:25,040

(SOBS)

913
00:46:25,080 --> 00:46:29,600


914
00:46:31,480 --> 00:46:33,040
Edie,

915
00:46:33,080 --> 00:46:35,200
are you- are you OK?
I'm fine.

916
00:46:35,240 --> 00:46:36,840
You're, you're crying.

917
00:46:36,880 --> 00:46:38,920
I said I'm fine, for God's sake.

918
00:46:40,560 --> 00:46:43,680
I just want, I want you to go now.
Err, was it the song..?

919
00:46:43,720 --> 00:46:46,600
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, no, I'm, I'm...

920
00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:48,760
I'm tired.
And I just want to be alone.

921
00:46:49,800 --> 00:46:51,960
I-I-I can't, I promised Vinnie.

922
00:46:52,000 --> 00:46:54,440
This is my house
and I want to be alone.

923
00:46:54,480 --> 00:46:56,800
I'm a grown woman
and if I say I want to be alone,

924
00:46:56,840 --> 00:46:58,720
I should be allowed be alone!

925
00:47:00,320 --> 00:47:02,160
Yeah, sure,

926
00:47:02,200 --> 00:47:04,800
I'm s-s-sorry.

927
00:47:06,960 --> 00:47:08,880


928
00:47:11,800 --> 00:47:15,040
(CHILDREN LAUGH)


929
00:47:15,080 --> 00:47:17,240
Tommo, come here, come here.

930
00:47:17,280 --> 00:47:20,560
Right come here, come on.
Now listen to me now.

931
00:47:20,600 --> 00:47:22,440
You find yourself an hiding place.

932
00:47:22,480 --> 00:47:25,200
When I give the signal,
you know, just disappear

933
00:47:25,240 --> 00:47:26,760
while they shut the place down.

934
00:47:26,800 --> 00:47:29,280
And keep a fucking low profile.
Don't let me down.

935
00:47:29,320 --> 00:47:30,760
Especially you.
What?

936
00:47:30,800 --> 00:47:33,920
Just fuck off and get your stupid
fucking Santa outfit on.

937
00:47:35,920 --> 00:47:38,520
Oi! The hell have you been?
What?

938
00:47:38,560 --> 00:47:40,120
You're from the agency?
Yes.

939
00:47:40,160 --> 00:47:41,960
You're on stage in two minutes.

940
00:47:42,000 --> 00:47:44,600
And try not to slip on your own
baby oil like the last idiot.

941
00:47:44,640 --> 00:47:47,160
What?! But I... hang on.
Hang on. Hang on.

942
00:47:47,200 --> 00:47:50,360
(CHILDREN CHEER)
Ten thousand curses.

943
00:47:50,400 --> 00:47:51,880
(EVIL LAUGHTER)

944
00:47:51,920 --> 00:47:55,160
Your foolish chatter
has sealed your doom...

945
00:47:55,200 --> 00:47:56,800
(AUDIENCE BOOS)

946
00:47:56,840 --> 00:48:00,400
Found him.Jesus Christ, Aladdin's
padding like fucking mad out there!

947
00:48:00,440 --> 00:48:02,640
He's about to rub the fucking lamp,
come on.No...

948
00:48:02,680 --> 00:48:03,680
Come on.

949
00:48:04,760 --> 00:48:06,080
(SMOKE HISSES)

950
00:48:06,120 --> 00:48:07,440
C'mon, get up there!

951
00:48:07,480 --> 00:48:08,960
(THUNDER RUMBLES)

952
00:48:15,520 --> 00:48:19,880
Who dares disturb, err,

953
00:48:19,920 --> 00:48:21,400
my slumber...
(KIDS LAUGH)

954
00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:23,160
Gosh, who are you?

955
00:48:24,400 --> 00:48:27,840
I am the Genie, the most
awe-inspiring,

956
00:48:27,880 --> 00:48:29,720
ground-shaking,

957
00:48:29,760 --> 00:48:33,800
the best Genie you've ever known
about. Here, give me that mic.

958
00:48:33,840 --> 00:48:37,280
It's important to note
that you don't have to think

959
00:48:37,320 --> 00:48:38,920
that it's selfish...

960
00:48:38,960 --> 00:48:40,720
Just to be wishing for things.

961
00:48:40,760 --> 00:48:42,640
It gives me a sense of purpose...
Shit.

962
00:48:42,680 --> 00:48:45,680
..and self-respect.
I thought you said low profile?

963
00:48:45,720 --> 00:48:47,600
I fucking did.That's important,
isn't it, kids, respect?

964
00:48:47,640 --> 00:48:49,160
KIDS: Yeah!

965
00:48:49,200 --> 00:48:51,800
Yeah. Oh, no, it isn't.
ALL: Oh, yes, it is!

966
00:48:51,840 --> 00:48:54,760
Oh, no, it isn't.
ALL: Oh, yes, it is!

967
00:48:54,800 --> 00:48:56,560
How does that sound to you, Aladdin?

968
00:48:56,600 --> 00:49:01,360
I hate Pantomimes, they've been
ruined now by lefty snowflakes.

969
00:49:01,400 --> 00:49:04,000
You can't have ugly sisters anymore,

970
00:49:04,040 --> 00:49:06,440
Snow White has to be fucking green!

971
00:49:06,480 --> 00:49:10,280
It used to be an harmless bit
of fun: slapping dwarves

972
00:49:10,320 --> 00:49:15,280
and lifting up Cinderella's skirt
to reveal enormous knickers.

973
00:49:15,320 --> 00:49:17,840
It's just a terrible loss, innit?
Yeah.

974
00:49:17,880 --> 00:49:20,160
You know what?
DJ fucking run that shit

975
00:49:20,200 --> 00:49:22,880
and we'll pop the roof
off this bitch. Let's go.

976
00:49:22,920 --> 00:49:24,480
For the love of Christ.

977
00:49:24,520 --> 00:49:27,800
(BEAT STARTS)Yeah.
Oh my God, that's perfect, let's go.

978
00:49:27,840 --> 00:49:29,000
Sit yourself down.

979
00:49:29,040 --> 00:49:31,880
(RAPPING)

when you rubbed my lamp on

980
00:49:31,920 --> 00:49:34,320

that came out wrong

981
00:49:34,360 --> 00:49:37,040

I'm sorry, OK?

982
00:49:37,080 --> 00:49:39,800

to brighten up your day

983
00:49:39,840 --> 00:49:42,520

with a heart full of gold

984
00:49:42,560 --> 00:49:45,160

a good lad, or bold

985
00:49:45,200 --> 00:49:47,760
I'm...

or Aladdin the pick up,

986
00:49:47,800 --> 00:49:50,440

cos the Genie can be fickle

987
00:49:50,480 --> 00:49:53,320

I've been cramped up like this

988
00:49:53,360 --> 00:49:55,920

not a pot to piss in

989
00:49:55,960 --> 00:49:58,720

to grow and break free

990
00:49:58,760 --> 00:50:01,680

with these wishes three

991
00:50:01,720 --> 00:50:04,280

my lyrics flow

992
00:50:04,320 --> 00:50:07,000

your father's hot, second row

993
00:50:07,040 --> 00:50:09,680

they can't sing, they've no flow

994
00:50:09,720 --> 00:50:11,440

club

995
00:50:11,480 --> 00:50:15,360

if you say rap, Genie...

996
00:50:15,400 --> 00:50:16,640
ALL: Rap!


997
00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:18,720
ALL: Rap!


998
00:50:18,760 --> 00:50:21,440

ALL: Rope.

999
00:50:21,480 --> 00:50:23,440

ALL: Rope.

1000
00:50:23,480 --> 00:50:25,520
ALL: Whooo!

1001
00:50:27,320 --> 00:50:29,120
Oh...

1002
00:50:29,160 --> 00:50:31,560
(WHOOPING) (APPLAUSE)

1003
00:50:31,600 --> 00:50:33,080
Ha, ha, ha, ha...

1004
00:50:33,120 --> 00:50:35,640
That was brilliant. He's reasonable.

1005
00:50:35,680 --> 00:50:38,080
Thank you so much.
Good job. Get the fuck out.

1006
00:50:38,120 --> 00:50:40,120
KID: Woo!
Come on, Ireland!

1007
00:50:40,160 --> 00:50:41,440
Get off!

1008
00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:44,600
(PANTING)

1009
00:50:47,840 --> 00:50:49,840


1010
00:51:03,600 --> 00:51:08,880


1011
00:51:11,320 --> 00:51:15,680


1012
00:51:17,520 --> 00:51:21,120


1013
00:51:24,400 --> 00:51:26,880


1014
00:51:30,440 --> 00:51:34,240


1015
00:51:37,040 --> 00:51:40,880

on everyone

1016
00:51:43,040 --> 00:51:47,920


1017
00:51:49,800 --> 00:51:52,520


1018
00:51:55,680 --> 00:52:00,880

from both sides now

1019
00:52:02,360 --> 00:52:04,200


1020
00:52:05,200 --> 00:52:06,480
Thank you...

1021
00:52:08,400 --> 00:52:12,040
Alright, Cardi, are you alone,
sweetheart?Yeah.

1022
00:52:12,080 --> 00:52:14,600
Oh, careful!

1023
00:52:15,800 --> 00:52:17,120
(SIGHS)
Where's the others?

1024
00:52:17,160 --> 00:52:19,360
They're on a job but I were left
to...

1025
00:52:19,400 --> 00:52:22,560
give, err, given a different...
role.

1026
00:52:23,880 --> 00:52:27,200
Oh well, my husband used to say,
you're never alone with a pint.

1027
00:52:27,240 --> 00:52:30,400
(LAUGHS)Mind you,
he was a functioning alcoholic.

1028
00:52:30,440 --> 00:52:33,600
That wreaked havoc with his libido.
That's why I took a lover.

1029
00:52:37,840 --> 00:52:38,840
Another?

1030
00:52:38,880 --> 00:52:42,000
Err, yes... b-b... Why not?

1031
00:52:42,040 --> 00:52:43,320
Why not?

1032
00:52:47,920 --> 00:52:50,560
(SWITCHES CLICK)
(HORSE NEIGHS)

1033
00:52:50,600 --> 00:52:52,560


1034
00:53:04,440 --> 00:53:06,440

PLAYS ON RADIO

1035
00:53:24,120 --> 00:53:26,600
Jim, I was class back there,
you should have seen me.

1036
00:53:26,640 --> 00:53:28,640
Oh, no, you wasn't!
Oh, yes, I was!

1037
00:53:33,400 --> 00:53:35,480
Oh, Rottweiler,

1038
00:53:35,520 --> 00:53:38,080
you can get a nasty bite
from them cunts.

1039
00:53:38,120 --> 00:53:41,240
But lucky for you, I can train
a vicious dog in seconds.

1040
00:53:41,280 --> 00:53:42,880
How do you plan to do that?

1041
00:53:42,920 --> 00:53:45,360
Nosey. Shot. The crow.

1042
00:53:45,400 --> 00:53:48,120
Well, I'll take the man,
if you take the mutt.OK.

1043
00:53:49,560 --> 00:53:51,200


1044
00:53:51,240 --> 00:53:54,120


1045
00:53:58,040 --> 00:54:02,160

will be all run

1046
00:54:05,320 --> 00:54:08,760


1047
00:54:11,560 --> 00:54:15,960


1048
00:54:19,000 --> 00:54:21,760


1049
00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:25,040


1050
00:54:28,720 --> 00:54:30,760


1051
00:54:30,800 --> 00:54:32,240
(MUSIC STOPS)

1052
00:54:34,240 --> 00:54:35,240
(EXHALES)

1053
00:54:40,120 --> 00:54:41,240
No!

1054
00:54:41,280 --> 00:54:42,720
(GRUNTS)

1055
00:54:48,600 --> 00:54:50,120
(MOBILE RINGS)

1056
00:54:51,640 --> 00:54:53,000
(GRUNTS)

1057
00:55:00,720 --> 00:55:01,720
(MOBILE BEEPS)

1058
00:55:03,640 --> 00:55:04,640
(WHIMPERS)

1059
00:55:13,720 --> 00:55:16,520
VOICEMAIL: Please leave
your message after the tone. (BEEP)

1060
00:55:16,560 --> 00:55:18,960
Hi Edie, err, it's Cardi.

1061
00:55:19,000 --> 00:55:22,000
I just wanted to see
if you were alright.

1062
00:55:22,040 --> 00:55:25,440
I'm in the pub, I thought maybe,
if you wanted me to come

1063
00:55:25,480 --> 00:55:28,280
and get you,
you could come for a drink.

1064
00:55:28,320 --> 00:55:30,240
Err, anyway...

1065
00:55:30,280 --> 00:55:33,360
Alright, love you, bye.
I don't love you, I don't...

1066
00:55:33,400 --> 00:55:36,520
I don't not love you, but...

1067
00:55:36,560 --> 00:55:38,200
Ah, just call- call me back.

1068
00:55:38,240 --> 00:55:41,840
Oh fuck that. Telling a fucking
old woman I love her.

1069
00:55:41,880 --> 00:55:44,000
Already done that once,
I got married.

1070
00:55:44,040 --> 00:55:45,240
(HORN HONKS)

1071
00:55:50,280 --> 00:55:52,120
(MOBILE VIBRATES)
Fucking hell.

1072
00:55:53,760 --> 00:55:56,560
What's going on?The last
of the staff come through now.

1073
00:55:56,600 --> 00:55:59,000
They're all gone.
There's no sign of Dick Dolphin.

1074
00:55:59,040 --> 00:56:02,080
Alright, now listen to me, you go
and sort the security guard out

1075
00:56:02,120 --> 00:56:04,040
and I'm gonna go find
this Flipper cunt.

1076
00:56:04,080 --> 00:56:05,200
We're on.

1077
00:56:19,520 --> 00:56:21,040
(DOG BARKS QUIETLY)

1078
00:56:21,080 --> 00:56:22,080
Quiet.

1079
00:56:24,240 --> 00:56:26,240
What the fuck..?

1080
00:56:40,560 --> 00:56:41,560
Come on.

1081
00:56:46,840 --> 00:56:49,200
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
Got you.

1082
00:56:50,320 --> 00:56:51,640
(DOG BARKS)

1083
00:56:53,920 --> 00:56:55,320
Sit.

1084
00:56:56,480 --> 00:56:57,720
Down.

1085
00:56:59,240 --> 00:57:00,600
Good boy.

1086
00:57:02,640 --> 00:57:04,160
Can you make him roll over?

1087
00:57:04,200 --> 00:57:06,360
I can make it fucking knit
if you want.

1088
00:57:06,400 --> 00:57:08,120
(LAUGHS)
Stay!

1089
00:57:08,160 --> 00:57:09,320
Come on.

1090
00:57:09,360 --> 00:57:12,000
(LAUGHS) Dog!
(DOORBELL RINGS)

1091
00:57:13,240 --> 00:57:14,800
Edie..?

1092
00:57:14,840 --> 00:57:16,040
(KNOCKS)

1093
00:57:20,160 --> 00:57:21,480
Edie..?

1094
00:57:22,600 --> 00:57:24,560
(GASPS)
Ah!

1095
00:57:24,600 --> 00:57:26,680
Ah, help...

1096
00:57:27,880 --> 00:57:28,880
Help...

1097
00:57:31,160 --> 00:57:34,520

"DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY"

1098
00:57:41,880 --> 00:57:45,320
DICK: You've terrorised this town
for long enough..."

1099
00:57:45,360 --> 00:57:49,560
And he goes, "Oh, but Mr Dolphin,
who's gonna stop me?"

1100
00:57:49,600 --> 00:57:52,360
I'm the strong and unbeatable.

1101
00:57:52,400 --> 00:57:53,800
Before he can finish...

1102
00:57:53,840 --> 00:57:56,480
Dirty Dick does a flying
kick through the air.

1103
00:57:56,520 --> 00:57:58,800
THUMP! Grinch on the floor.
(MOBILE RINGS)

1104
00:57:58,840 --> 00:58:00,880
Oh, fucking God.

1105
00:58:07,840 --> 00:58:09,080
What the..?

1106
00:58:17,600 --> 00:58:18,800
(SCREAMS)

1107
00:58:18,840 --> 00:58:20,240
What the..?

1108
00:58:20,280 --> 00:58:21,280
(SCREAMS)

1109
00:58:22,680 --> 00:58:24,000
Well, get him!

1110
00:58:24,040 --> 00:58:27,040

"A Christmas Duel"

1111
00:58:27,080 --> 00:58:28,480
(MEN SHOUT)

1112
00:58:28,520 --> 00:58:31,080


1113
00:58:31,120 --> 00:58:34,960

on fire

1114
00:58:35,000 --> 00:58:37,760


1115
00:58:37,800 --> 00:58:41,080


1116
00:58:41,120 --> 00:58:44,120


1117
00:58:45,440 --> 00:58:49,160

It's all fine by me

1118
00:58:49,200 --> 00:58:52,200

wants a Christmas tree

1119
00:58:52,240 --> 00:58:54,880

(MUSIC STOPS)

1120
00:58:54,920 --> 00:58:55,920
(THUD)

1121
00:58:56,840 --> 00:59:01,160

it's all fine by me

1122
00:59:01,200 --> 00:59:05,440

wants a Christmas tree

1123
00:59:05,480 --> 00:59:08,280


1124
00:59:09,400 --> 00:59:11,640
(VINNIE GRUNTS)


1125
00:59:11,680 --> 00:59:13,200
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(KNOCKS)

1126
00:59:15,680 --> 00:59:19,120
Edie, it, it's me, Cardi...

1127
00:59:19,160 --> 00:59:21,320
Listen, I know,
I know you said leave,

1128
00:59:21,360 --> 00:59:23,600
but I had this strange feeling,
and...

1129
00:59:23,640 --> 00:59:26,040
EDIE: Help!
Edie... Oh fuck.

1130
00:59:35,680 --> 00:59:37,760
Edie..?
In the loft.

1131
00:59:38,920 --> 00:59:41,480
Edie? Edie?

1132
00:59:44,280 --> 00:59:45,640
Help!
Shit.

1133
00:59:45,680 --> 00:59:49,200
Alright, wait, hold on,
I'm coming up. I'm coming up.

1134
00:59:49,240 --> 00:59:51,240
Hold on, hold on.

1135
00:59:51,280 --> 00:59:53,760
Edie, fuck. Are you- are you OK?

1136
00:59:53,800 --> 00:59:57,040
I think- I think I've broke my arm.
Which one? Which one?

1137
00:59:57,080 --> 00:59:59,480
It's not the one that's already
broken, you idiot.

1138
00:59:59,520 --> 01:00:01,960
Yeah, no, good point.
Shit, right, hospital.

1139
01:00:02,000 --> 01:00:03,440
Let's get you out.

1140
01:00:03,480 --> 01:00:06,520
Oh, careful, no careful, careful,
careful.(GRUNTS)

1141
01:00:06,560 --> 01:00:08,560
(FESTIVE ROCK MUSIC)

1142
01:00:08,600 --> 01:00:11,680
Right, you lot,
grab the fucking stuff and let's go!

1143
01:00:47,880 --> 01:00:49,480
(MOBILE RINGS)

1144
01:00:49,520 --> 01:00:50,920
Fucking hell.

1145
01:00:50,960 --> 01:00:52,800
Hello? Cardi!

1146
01:00:52,840 --> 01:00:54,440
What's going on, lad?!

1147
01:00:54,480 --> 01:00:57,360
You fucking what?
Jim, go, go, go!

1148
01:00:57,400 --> 01:00:58,400
(EXCLAIMS)

1149
01:01:02,520 --> 01:01:05,240
Cardi, fucking hell!
What's happened? Where is she?

1150
01:01:05,280 --> 01:01:07,560
It's just some scratches, man.
I'm so sorry, Vin.

1151
01:01:07,600 --> 01:01:10,360
No, no. Listen, listen, dude,
it's my fault.

1152
01:01:10,400 --> 01:01:12,800
It's my fault. What was she doing
in the bloody loft.

1153
01:01:12,840 --> 01:01:14,560
She was looking
at fucking photo albums.

1154
01:01:14,600 --> 01:01:16,440
They were all over the floor.
Lord God.

1155
01:01:16,480 --> 01:01:18,440
I think it was her husband
and kids, or summat.

1156
01:01:18,480 --> 01:01:20,320
Are you alright?
Yeah, fine. I'm fine.

1157
01:01:20,360 --> 01:01:22,280
Well, which way is she?
Sorry, in there.

1158
01:01:22,320 --> 01:01:24,840
Alright. I love you, dude.
Yeah, you too, man. Love you too.

1159
01:01:24,880 --> 01:01:26,240
Don't be sad.

1160
01:01:30,600 --> 01:01:32,760
(DOOR OPENS)
Here she is!

1161
01:01:32,800 --> 01:01:34,160
(LAUGHS)

1162
01:01:34,200 --> 01:01:37,000
You look fucking well, eh?

1163
01:01:37,040 --> 01:01:39,600
Can't leave you alone for five
shagging minutes

1164
01:01:39,640 --> 01:01:42,280
without you falling through
a bloody ceiling...

1165
01:01:42,320 --> 01:01:44,680
I know where you've been,

1166
01:01:44,720 --> 01:01:46,760
your friend told me.

1167
01:01:47,720 --> 01:01:49,280
Was it a success?

1168
01:01:50,320 --> 01:01:52,280
Yeah it was, yeah.
We've done really well.

1169
01:01:52,320 --> 01:01:53,800
Good, he deserves it.

1170
01:01:55,920 --> 01:01:58,760
I hope your child's show
is a triumph.

1171
01:01:58,800 --> 01:02:00,640
Hm, should be.

1172
01:02:02,440 --> 01:02:04,720
So Cardi told me

1173
01:02:04,760 --> 01:02:08,240
that you went into the loft,
looking for photographs.

1174
01:02:09,040 --> 01:02:13,040
All that shit Dick said
about you and your children...

1175
01:02:13,080 --> 01:02:15,120
It's just nonsense.

1176
01:02:15,160 --> 01:02:16,680
He's right.

1177
01:02:16,720 --> 01:02:18,760
I was a bad mother.

1178
01:02:18,800 --> 01:02:20,960
No, I can't see it.

1179
01:02:21,000 --> 01:02:22,680
I was!

1180
01:02:22,720 --> 01:02:25,360
Not always.
Not when they were little,

1181
01:02:25,400 --> 01:02:27,200
but later.

1182
01:02:27,240 --> 01:02:28,320
Why?

1183
01:02:29,320 --> 01:02:31,960
What did I tell you,
about the magpie and the vomit.

1184
01:02:32,000 --> 01:02:33,960
Mm...

1185
01:02:34,000 --> 01:02:38,960
Fred had always had affairs.
I knew about some, suspected others.

1186
01:02:39,000 --> 01:02:43,320
But then I found out about...

1187
01:02:45,880 --> 01:02:48,840
..Maggie, my best friend.

1188
01:02:51,080 --> 01:02:54,640
And that was the day
of Dick's audition.

1189
01:02:57,440 --> 01:03:00,720
It had been going on
for over a year.

1190
01:03:00,760 --> 01:03:03,960
And something inside just snapped.

1191
01:03:04,000 --> 01:03:07,960
I could literally
feel my heart breaking...

1192
01:03:15,000 --> 01:03:16,320
And...

1193
01:03:16,360 --> 01:03:19,680
I wanted the kids to hate him
as much as I hated him.

1194
01:03:19,720 --> 01:03:22,440
And when they didn't,
that just made me worse...

1195
01:03:22,480 --> 01:03:24,040
Oh...

1196
01:03:25,760 --> 01:03:27,040
Your friend,

1197
01:03:29,600 --> 01:03:30,760
he danced with me,

1198
01:03:32,400 --> 01:03:34,440
like my boy used to dance...

1199
01:03:36,440 --> 01:03:37,720
Oh,

1200
01:03:37,760 --> 01:03:39,760
what I'd give to dance with him now.

1201
01:03:40,920 --> 01:03:43,040
To have my boys by my side...

1202
01:03:46,840 --> 01:03:48,920
Well, it's not too late, is it?

1203
01:03:48,960 --> 01:03:51,720
No matter what's gone on,
no matter what's happened,

1204
01:03:51,760 --> 01:03:54,280
you are their mother,
they'll still want you.

1205
01:03:55,480 --> 01:03:57,120
Too much has been said.

1206
01:03:59,520 --> 01:04:02,880
A wise old woman once said to me,

1207
01:04:04,240 --> 01:04:06,720
don't let pride get in the way.

1208
01:04:09,560 --> 01:04:10,920
Oh,

1209
01:04:11,840 --> 01:04:13,800
I was a good person once, Greg.

1210
01:04:15,440 --> 01:04:17,480
I always told my pupils that,

1211
01:04:17,520 --> 01:04:20,080
even though they were
growing up without money,

1212
01:04:20,120 --> 01:04:23,680
or the chances that others had,
they could still do great things.

1213
01:04:24,880 --> 01:04:27,640
(SIGHS)
They were my happiest days...

1214
01:04:31,720 --> 01:04:32,760
(SIGHS)

1215
01:04:38,800 --> 01:04:41,600
I feel really hot for a snowman.

1216
01:04:41,640 --> 01:04:42,880
(CHUCKLES)

1217
01:04:42,920 --> 01:04:44,640
Ah...
Too sore?

1218
01:04:44,680 --> 01:04:45,880
Little bit.

1219
01:04:45,920 --> 01:04:49,520
ERIN: I think we need to start
putting the haystacks on the stage.

1220
01:04:49,560 --> 01:04:51,880
Actually, Ash, will you put...
Here he is.

1221
01:04:53,040 --> 01:04:54,640
Erin?!
Yes, yes.

1222
01:04:54,680 --> 01:04:56,520
Mrs whatsherbollocks...
Weatherall.

1223
01:04:56,560 --> 01:04:59,080
Weatherall. She happy with all this?
Yeah, she's really happy.

1224
01:04:59,120 --> 01:05:00,360
Come here to me.
What?

1225
01:05:00,400 --> 01:05:01,880
Wait till you see, ha...

1226
01:05:01,920 --> 01:05:04,080
Wait till you see the fucking
director I've got us.

1227
01:05:04,120 --> 01:05:07,760
Who've you got?You'll never guess,
but she's a very special lady.

1228
01:05:09,240 --> 01:05:13,200
Now what I want you to do,
I want you to...

1229
01:05:13,240 --> 01:05:15,800
run to that wall and run back!
Run to that wall and run back.

1230
01:05:15,840 --> 01:05:18,400
And run back to me.
Put your hands up in the air.

1231
01:05:18,440 --> 01:05:21,120
And put them down.
And run back to the wall again.

1232
01:05:21,160 --> 01:05:23,960
Run back to the wall again.
Very good.(LAUGHING)

1233
01:05:24,000 --> 01:05:25,520
I fucking love her.

1234
01:05:25,560 --> 01:05:28,360
It doesn't matter if you're playing
a shepherd, a sheep...

1235
01:05:28,400 --> 01:05:32,880
What part you're playing
you are all absolutely vital.

1236
01:05:33,640 --> 01:05:34,920
Aw...
Bless her.

1237
01:05:34,960 --> 01:05:36,960
ALL: We're doing The Nativity!

1238
01:05:37,000 --> 01:05:38,320
That's it.

1239
01:05:41,520 --> 01:05:46,080
(KIDS SING)


1240
01:05:46,120 --> 01:05:50,680

rocks, hills and plains.

1241
01:05:50,720 --> 01:05:54,280

Repeat the sounding joy...

1242
01:05:54,320 --> 01:05:56,000
One time, one time.

1243
01:05:56,040 --> 01:06:00,120


1244
01:06:00,160 --> 01:06:02,360


1245
01:06:02,400 --> 01:06:04,480


1246
01:06:04,520 --> 01:06:08,320


1247
01:06:09,680 --> 01:06:12,560
(CHEERING)
Yeah!Wow.

1248
01:06:14,640 --> 01:06:18,560
Oh, children, that was spectacular,
wasn't it, ladies and gentlemen?

1249
01:06:18,600 --> 01:06:20,040
Very good.
Yes, very good.

1250
01:06:20,080 --> 01:06:21,920
Truly wonderful.

1251
01:06:21,960 --> 01:06:25,600
And I would like to say a heartfelt
thank you

1252
01:06:25,640 --> 01:06:29,160
to a special person
who has helped us achieve so much

1253
01:06:29,200 --> 01:06:30,680
in so little time.

1254
01:06:30,720 --> 01:06:32,960
Please, welcome to the stage,

1255
01:06:33,000 --> 01:06:37,520
an amazing theatre director
and an inspiration to many,

1256
01:06:37,560 --> 01:06:38,760
many children,

1257
01:06:38,800 --> 01:06:40,640
Miss Edie Barnes!

1258
01:06:40,680 --> 01:06:43,160
Come on, let's have you. Come on.
Go on Edie!

1259
01:06:45,280 --> 01:06:47,840
Edie now!
Edie now!

1260
01:06:47,880 --> 01:06:50,360
Edie now!
A few words, Miss Barnes.

1261
01:06:50,400 --> 01:06:52,440
Erm...

1262
01:06:52,480 --> 01:06:54,720
I just want to say...

1263
01:06:54,760 --> 01:06:58,280
..if you think about the story
you've just watched,

1264
01:06:58,320 --> 01:07:01,120
it's all about the kindness
of strangers.

1265
01:07:02,040 --> 01:07:03,880
And...

1266
01:07:03,920 --> 01:07:08,040
And I know first hand
the difference that can make.

1267
01:07:09,560 --> 01:07:11,600
And for all these children

1268
01:07:11,640 --> 01:07:15,160
who had their hard work
undone by thugs,

1269
01:07:15,200 --> 01:07:19,400
I hope the kindness of strangers
has helped them too, because...

1270
01:07:19,440 --> 01:07:22,520
this world up here -

1271
01:07:22,560 --> 01:07:26,320
this magical place, the stage -

1272
01:07:26,360 --> 01:07:30,320
and the imagination
it opens up in us,

1273
01:07:30,360 --> 01:07:34,520
can be an escape
from the toughest parts

1274
01:07:34,560 --> 01:07:36,640
of our real lives.

1275
01:07:36,680 --> 01:07:41,040
And I'm very grateful to have had
another chance to be a part of that.

1276
01:07:42,400 --> 01:07:45,840
And I'd like to thank
this man here

1277
01:07:47,160 --> 01:07:51,400
and all these wonderful children.

1278
01:07:53,120 --> 01:07:54,560
(APPLAUSE)

1279
01:07:58,120 --> 01:08:00,360
One final surprise.

1280
01:08:00,400 --> 01:08:04,080
An ex pupil of yours,
Ian Brillington...

1281
01:08:04,120 --> 01:08:05,240
You're fucking joking.

1282
01:08:05,280 --> 01:08:08,200
..from Britain's Got Talent,
would like to sing in your honour.

1283
01:08:08,240 --> 01:08:09,960
Oh...
(DOOR OPENS)

1284
01:08:10,000 --> 01:08:12,320
It is... It's him am' all! (LAUGHS)

1285
01:08:12,360 --> 01:08:15,160
Fucking hell.
He's got the same fucking jacket on.

1286
01:08:16,840 --> 01:08:18,760
Miss Barnes,

1287
01:08:18,800 --> 01:08:21,310
you inspired me...

1288
01:08:22,680 --> 01:08:25,720
..and so many others...
Everyone...

1289
01:08:25,760 --> 01:08:27,520
(EDIE GRUNTS)
..join me...

1290
01:08:29,880 --> 01:08:32,310
(SINGS)


1291
01:08:32,350 --> 01:08:34,000
The carollers sing...

1292
01:08:34,040 --> 01:08:37,120
You're fucking joking.
No, no, fucking hell, man!

1293
01:08:37,160 --> 01:08:40,200
It's fucking, no, I'm not having it.
I'm off, I'm not having it, no!

1294
01:08:40,240 --> 01:08:42,470
Fucking Christ,
wake me up in fucking January.

1295
01:08:42,520 --> 01:08:44,720


1296
01:08:44,760 --> 01:08:48,560


1297
01:08:48,600 --> 01:08:51,470


1298
01:08:51,520 --> 01:08:54,000


1299
01:08:54,040 --> 01:08:58,270

Christian rhyme...

1300
01:08:58,310 --> 01:08:59,430
(SONG CONTINUES)

1301
01:08:59,470 --> 01:09:01,800


1302
01:09:01,840 --> 01:09:04,240
and gifts on the tree...

1303
01:09:11,680 --> 01:09:13,640
(Boys, thanks so much for coming.)

1304
01:09:13,680 --> 01:09:17,000
(It's gonna be a bit of a surprise,
innit, Christ? Best of luck.)

1305
01:09:18,390 --> 01:09:19,960
(DOORBELL RINGS)

1306
01:09:29,680 --> 01:09:30,800
What..?

1307
01:09:35,640 --> 01:09:38,760
Oh my, my... Boys...

1308
01:09:38,800 --> 01:09:40,680
Mum.

1309
01:09:40,720 --> 01:09:42,120
Happy Christmas.

1310
01:09:43,310 --> 01:09:45,350
Oh, come, come here.

1311
01:09:47,080 --> 01:09:49,680
Oh God. Oh God.

1312
01:09:52,960 --> 01:09:56,080
Come in, come in, come in...

1313
01:09:56,120 --> 01:09:57,920
Come in, come in.

1314
01:10:07,120 --> 01:10:08,400
Thank you.

1315
01:10:16,880 --> 01:10:18,520
(MOBILE RINGS)

1316
01:10:18,560 --> 01:10:20,680
Hello Christoph, how's your holiday?

1317
01:10:20,720 --> 01:10:24,240
Jemima's a bloody nightmare,
she has the intellect of a fish,

1318
01:10:24,280 --> 01:10:27,200
how's auntie Edie?
She's good, she's good, yeah.

1319
01:10:27,240 --> 01:10:29,920
Having a good Christmas actually.
Yeah, she's enjoying herself.

1320
01:10:29,960 --> 01:10:32,120
Auntie Edie? Enjoying Christmas?

1321
01:10:32,160 --> 01:10:35,320
What have you given her?
Cannabis, fucking loads of it, dude.

1322
01:10:35,360 --> 01:10:36,960
She's gone through two 20 bags.

1323
01:10:37,000 --> 01:10:39,720
That's an animal.
For a beginner, that's insane.

1324
01:10:39,760 --> 01:10:41,800
I threw a whitey before she did.

1325
01:10:41,840 --> 01:10:44,400
Honestly, she sent me
out for Bounties...

1326
01:10:44,440 --> 01:10:46,160
(LAUGHS)

1327
01:10:50,400 --> 01:10:53,520


1328
01:10:53,560 --> 01:10:56,840

Let it snow and snow!

1329
01:11:02,520 --> 01:11:06,240

(I Got) So Much Trouble In My Mind

1330
01:11:27,320 --> 01:11:29,960

in my mind...

1331
01:11:30,000 --> 01:11:32,000
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